yeah but I shoulda known it\'d be bad when he start rubbing my pubic bone instead of the clit! Awkkkkwarddd
I wish I only lived at night.
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
I cannot believe I said bareback movement...
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Randomize
