I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
tonight lets celebrate not being married
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
She's echoing.. Her head must be in the toilet..
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
Randomize
