I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
I would give my right arm to go back to college. Or maybe not. Would be kinda hard to pick up guys with one arm. Then again, knowin what I do now...I could take any freshman bithc with only one arm.
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
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