I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
good morning. i just did a walk of shame in front of his grandmother.
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
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