I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
Totally passed out on the dealers bed after paying him all in ones so no, i dont think i'll be getting a discount soon.
I have a 16 minute video of you talking about your life. We are calling it your Anthology sponsored by Steel Reserve
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
we left when one of the guys tried to stick himself with an IV that he found
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
Drunk is a universal language darling
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