I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
Rumble strips road head = magical
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
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