Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
he just sent me a dick pic, it highly resembled a cheese stick
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
She deleted me on Facebook. I think it's safe to say that she knows I fucked him now.
Randomize
