if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
Did you just see the Batmobile???
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
wyd
Laying here debating on if i want a sandwich or an orgasm.
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
Randomize
