I can see my step sister's thong. Don't know if I should let myself be turned on or not
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
We had sex and I never took my mets hat off... I feel like Duda knows and approves.
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
There is a couple fucking in the outback bathroom and at first I thought it was sick but than I remembered my Outback fantasy with you and decided I can't pass judgements.
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
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