I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
obviously you don't know the college version of myself. if there's something i'm ALWAYS willing to put up for it's alcohol.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
I don't know but someone, somewhere gave someone a hand job and someone else was pissed about it...
The plan is that you eat an edible first, then pressure your dad to do one. You know you are down.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
My vagina: 1 Male stubborness: 0
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
Randomize
