my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
i mean, not my actual scene but if someone says "PARTY" ill figure it out
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
Is it really road head if took place on kayaks in the river?
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
I just realized that I have dated 5 unemployed guys...and 3 that drove pt cruisers...Turns out I do have a type.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
Randomize
