How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
Chicago was legit, ate some badass pizza and gave a cig to a crackhead..its all i thought it would be
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
girl is pretty boring. i'm gonna see if she'll let me finger her.
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
Randomize
