Like my Aunt Merial always says ... big dicks, big dicks.
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
We decided to have a girls night of four lokos, three of us cried and the other puked
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
No I feel the same as usual. Mopey with a chance of bitch fits.
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
