I look like a poor person in the cast of Gay Oliver.
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
Randomize
