well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
soo apparently i was out of money so i stayed in the bathroom for an hour-ish passing out paper towels for money..needless to say i got kicked out
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
Go forth Daniel, drink, be merry... And meet some hot Asians for your friends to bang
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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