I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
What happened at the top of the stairs is never to be spoken of again.
Well I think it's fate. Considering march is my fave month because it's my birthday and st. Patrick's day. And his name is Patrick. I'm sleeping with him all through march. No question.
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
Randomize
