Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
They had half off shots during the fourth quarter. I was powerless.
he had a dikembe mutombo jersey on, was swatting peoples drinks out of their hand and wagging his finger in their face everytime he did it.
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
Its not something you can force it it just has to happen like a rainbow or pooping
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
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