Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
She was drunk running in the middle of the street when a cop saw her,picked her up and dropped her off at her house. This really doesn't surprise me.
Randomize
