I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
He talked me into making a sex video, no worries though, I was wearing sunglasses.
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
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