so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
its officail im naming my first born child brickbreaker
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Randomize
