i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
Well i just learned hong kong is a country...thank you olympics
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
The guy got mobbed on, all hell broke loose. About 20 cops showed up, and this kid somehow convinced a cop that letting him pee in front of him is justifiable. This guy could sweet talk Hellen Keller, he was THAT good
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
