I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
I don't think I can recall what a 23 year old cock felt like if one slapped me in the face.
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
I just found a nug casually in my room under my duffel bag. Is this a sign I need help?
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