Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
Randomize
