There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
he's just got his life so together and it makes my pussy wet.
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
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