Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
