Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
Finished drinking tea out of a red party cup when I was done I flipped it without even thinking
M WATCHING THE HISTORY CHANNEL AND IT SAID THAT WHEN THE LUST PART OF THE BRAIN IS ACTIVATED THE JUDGEMENT PART IS NOT. THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
saying, "have a good fall!" After fucking a virgin boy is good etiquette, right?
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
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