What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
