I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
She had been watching Bad Girls Club where the annoying girl always says "I RUN L.A.". After she got wasted she kept going up to strangers at the bar yelling "I RUN FAYETTEVILLE." I peed in her drink.
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
If it goes near your penis, it should not go near the Hawks.
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
He said I was so drunk and high that I had a conversation w/ his goldfish. The video shows me clearly conversing as if talking to a person w/ pauses in conversation and everything
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
Randomize
