When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
My hanfda are one with the u niverse and I am cirretnly inhaling a couch
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
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