There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
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