im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
I'm just not sure how to initiate the "do you want to have sex with my boyfriend and I" conversation
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
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