everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
Dude he fell into my wall and left an imprint then decided to have sex with the door open. Vents carry noise pretty well
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
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