If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
My Dicks been hard all day. Poor guy isn't used to vacation being over
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
well theres no bloody mary mix at the campus bookstore so i dont even know what its good for
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
Randomize
