Spotted on freeway- girl in ford focus takes a hit from a 7 inch pipe while knee driving. She winked at me. I want her life.
Redeem this text for a blowjob
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
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