I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
we started pounding beers an hour ago to celebrate our personal snow day tomorrow. vodka shots for u of i's actual decision are on standby.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
I just found a nug casually in my room under my duffel bag. Is this a sign I need help?
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
