"what do u think of parents raising kids to be peeping toms" said guy on bus 2 me
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
looked it up online and zoo tickets are only 20 bucks and there's also a museum of science close to the hotel.
i'm not going to a FUCKING museum. i want to be wasted and possibly double penetrated... have you EVER been on vacation?
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
MY TITS JUST CAUSED A CAR ACCIDENT ON THE HIGHWAY! i kid you not!! i thinl the giy is actually dead
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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