even my farts smell like vagina
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
now were playing what girl doesnt belong in the picture of girls in bikinis.
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
He usually doesnt care about me cumming but last night he really tried, I feel that him going to the Womens March benefitted my sex life
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
