something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
It's hard to believe so much cum came out of such a small penis.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
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