I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
maybe these stereotypes wouldn't come up if you would stop taking body shots off another
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
Randomize
