Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
Randomize