If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
Pride was great cause we really can now appreciate how far we've come as gay people!
Doll, if you're still fucking strangers behind the WeHo Sonic while high on E then we've come as far as 2003...
you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
Randomize
