call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
The fact that she put a frat guy in check tells me I did some good raising my little sister. Time to see if she does keg stands.
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
Holy shit dude........stairs
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
Randomize
