Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
Old men and throwing up are my life now.
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
I haven't even lived here for 24 hours yet, and I've already banged someone. My new hoe life is off to a great start.
Randomize
