I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
my mother and i just seriously had a convorsation about why you cant Google "Refurbished Dildos"
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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