i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
Apparently every Tri-Delt knows what I did and I am blacklisted from ever dating anyone in that house.
Well ya you lied, told her you cared, took her virginity and then broke up with her at Christies Toy Box.
I honestly thought the dildo was a nice parting gift.
No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
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