I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
We will. we just need a little inspiration.... in smoke form.
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
Randomize
