you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
Its like Laser Tag, but more fun because it ends in sex
at least after i hook up with someone i have the decency to ignore them
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question.
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
Randomize
