I think men at large are the problem in most or all relationships. It's like trying to drag a three-legged retarded puppy through an obstacle course
i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
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