I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
Real housewives of new joisy starts MONDAY. Skype session after? Virtual slap the bag?
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
he just used "boss" and "boner" in the same sentence. I cant respond.
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
I'm tired of the topic. I sent him a pic of my vagina to change it.
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
Randomize
