I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
I mean the power was out what was I supposed to do
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
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