So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
We're knee deep in HJ's right now.
Tomorrow's thirsty thursday is now sponsored by the three time champion, chemisty failure. celebration starts asap.
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
So what happened at girls night? My roomate found me passed out locked out on the front steps of the house and it was raining. Yes low moment
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize
