i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
Fuck I forgot the furry convention was this weekend and now I'm downtown. Way too high for this shit.
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
Like I fucked him in the shower at 3 am when I had classes all day the next day so he can't say I'm not dedicated
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
Randomize
