bruce springsteen sings some of the most romantic songs i've ever heard.
the hells wrong with u
and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
I laid naked in his bed as he brought me an ice cream sandwich so I would say everything worked out great
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
Randomize
