so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
my orientation roommate looks just like New York of Flavor Flav fame
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
So one buddy got tackled at the urinals by national guard members and was arrested. Another had sex in a port o potty with possibly the drunkest girl I've ever encountered. The rest of us blacked out and won a few bets. So yes, the derby did meet our expectations.
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
Yeah I mean once a gun is being waved around, its probably a good time to leave the party
But the music was sooo good
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
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