Shit chicky whatchu wearin rt now, ur skins?
Oh dear, kinda... in ur sweats!
U look good, r we getting naked in ur car?
Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
I researched the whole pregnancy breast feeding with piercings. I think you dont have to worry about the trifecta milk spraying thing.
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
Randomize
