there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
I'm just sayin. Is it sad that I spent my last dollar on a hamburger just to get a paper bag to huff out of?
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
She's working this semester. Her dad saw he was listed as 'the atm' on her phone and cut off tuition for three months.
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
That said I did get head on the roof of a 15 story building which, regardless of quality, is still cool
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
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