I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
