I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
You weren't lying about those ceramics students giving the best hand jobs.
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
Randomize
