im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
its been so long even thinking about having a dick inside me makes me sore
cheese fries, coffee, with a side of dry heaving in the bathroom at the diner on campus at 5am. never felt better.
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
Randomize
